To Torment The Dragon King
by candelight
Summary: Let's all gather round the campfire and take a listen as everyone chooses to torment the Cycle's least favorite baddie, Galbatorix! Flame if you will…I know where you live.
1. Chapter 1

To Annoy a Dark King

Let's all gather round the campfire and take a listen as everyone chooses to torment the Cycle's least favorite baddie, Galbatorix! Flame if you

will…I know where you live.

When Galbatorix is sleeping, replace velvety slippers with those of bunnies to show his servants before they take them away for ironing.

Slip the shoes on his feet while he's still sleeping, and take pictures.

Post the pictures on the web.

Give phony signed photos of said picture to Urgals.

Remind him that Eragon has STILL eluded capture, despite him sneaking back and forth between Surda and The Empire.

Tell him that in this war, he's done his very best.

And failed miserably.

Tell him the correct lesson for the king would be, "Never Try."

Say that, even though he is immortal, "Time is a wonderful teacher. Fortunately, it kills all of his pupils."

When he asks you a question, simply say this: "Just remember-there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people."

Undoubtedly, he will voice his opinion on that. Simply say:

"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid."

Knock over your goblet-and spill grape juice onto his lap. Tell him Murtagh did it.

Have Shruikan dance to the "Sugar Plum Fairy Waltz."

Have soldiers perform "Swan Lake" in front of him.

Go on a long journey by carriage with him, then wait until you're on a lonely stretch of barren wasteland to tell him you're really hungry.

While you're at it, ask, "Are we there yet?" every five seconds.

Start a contest with Murtagh to see who can talk in the squeakiest voice.

Whine.

Start a rousing round of "99 bottles of mead on the wall."

Once you're at your destination, claim you want to go home.

Put you four S's to work: Sobbing, sulking, spitting, and screaming.

Insist you pick up hitchhikers.

Send back your ice water to the kitchens, claiming, "Zis Wai-tar, she is not cold enough, Garcon."

Ask to see the chef.

Order the most expensive and difficult thing to prepare in the kitchens.

Eat only a few bites, then complain of a stomach ache.

Blow bubbles in your milk.

Order dessert.

If he refuses to allow you to order a dessert, throw a tantrum.

Request a booster seat.

Tell him that the tapioca pudding looks like fish eyes.

Tell him the spaghetti looks like bloody worms.

Mention to Murtagh that the tuna casserole smells like cat vomit.

Also tell him, in an undertone, that the soft boiled eggs he eats in the morning are chicken embryos.

Have Galbatorix accidentally stand in the cat box.

Tell him "Your road to success is always under construction."

Replace his sword with a pink and yellow pixie stick.

Redecorate his room with pictures of Barbie and Ken-Barbie's face covered with magic markers, Ken's surrounded by little hearts.

If you're really daring, place photos of the king over Barbie's face.

Tell servants that he orders for pajamas with little trapdoors on the backs.

Go to the kitchens, and lick every single piece of fruit on the platter before it's served to him.

In the meantime, spit on the custard and tell him it's an exotic new coating.

You're sitting down to dinner with him (and everyone else) and demand why, if this castle is so spectacular, there aren't any magical, talking appliances serving them.

Give the troops an order that the king wishes them to march into battle with a new song: "This is the song that never ends….it just goes on and on, my friends…."

Have the servants be singing this as well. For nine hours straight.

Paint remaining egg white with red stripes, and give to the servants to be used as a croquet ball.

Tell him his mother is so stupid that she was fired from the M&M factory for throwing out all the pieces that read "W" instead.

Tell him that he is so grotesquely hideous, the reason he was banned from the Sickeningly Ugly convention was because the council of judges didn't wish for any professionals to compete.

Somehow, miraculously, be still alive after all this.

See if he has a bowling ball around somewhere and try to bounce it.

Or, paint it and breathlessly tell him that you've discovered another dragon egg….conviently with three holes.

Edit one of his portraits to that of a street Mime's.

Tell him when he's extremely crabby one day, "Everyone has photographic memory; some people like you just don't have the film."

Tell him Heslant the Monk escaped capture, and is now writing a sequel to the Dominance of Fate.

Say you're in love with Murtagh.

Sing Christmas carols outside his bedroom in July.

Tell him Eragon left for "the ends of the earth," and isn't coming back any time soon.

Post everyone in the Empire on the fact that two mere farm yodels killed the kings top servants.

Announce that one of the yodels killed more then one hundred and ninety of the king's men by himself.

While they had swords, and he had a hammer.

Also mention that he slaughtered his top magicians with the very same hammer-while they did nothing.

Put in a note on how he's alive and well.

Mention Eragon has a new sword.

Mention he knows now his secret of power.

Slip in that, most chances are, he's still the champion of the people.

Mention that Saphira has escaped capture countless times.

Also mention Eragon has never been officially dragged to Urabaen.

For the holidays, give him a sock full of rice, a lucky penny, an empty recyclable bottle, a book of matches, and several Laundry Soap Samples.

Give his men the day off.

Give them a raise.

Ask him how the diet's going.

Comment under your breath, "Probably not too well."

When he commands you to sweep the walks, ask him what you sweep them with.

He'll tell you to use a broom.

Remind him the broom handle's broken.

He'll tell you to fix it. You'll ask what with.

The king will suggest a curtain rod. Tell him it's too long.

He'll tell you to cut it. You'll ask what with.

He'll tell you to try the saw.

Ask where the saw is.

He'll tell you: The garage.

Remind him it's too messy.

He'll tell you to clean it.

Ask him what to clean it with.

He'll tell you to use a broom.

Remind him the broom handle's broken.

Have the last egg hatch for you, and become immortal. Galbatorix realizes (to his horror) that he CAN'T kill you now.

Live for another thousand years, plotting with your new dragon on new ways to torment the king.

Use them.


	2. How to annoy Eragon

How to Annoy Eragon

Tips on how to irritate, irk, enrage, bother, annoy, aggravate, exasperate, and infuriate everyone's favorite dragon-rider!

* * *

Hello, everyone! Sorry….I can be a cruel person. Don't really mean it-I promise!

Spray paint his sword red-tell him Murtagh swapped it with Thorn

Ask him how many times he actually destroyed a major enemy on his own.

Spray paint Saphira purple

Tell him girls are more interested in his brother then him

Remark about how the dragons chose a chump THIS time

Tell Galbatorix that he still wears tightie-wighties

Read his palm like Angela the Herbalist. Remark that he will be rich one day. Tell him that hand is outdoor map of his future chateau. Trace

out a tennis court, a fountain, a hedge maze….

….then spit in his palm and tell him, "That's your swimming pool."

Become a serving maid. Lick every piece of fruit before it reaches him.

Mention the fact that Arya dumps him….again.

Put in a side note that one of the last Dragon Rider's of this land couldn't woe an elf

Tell him that people with hands smaller then their faces are known to be biographically affected by cancer sometime in their life. When he

raises his hand to check, hit the back of his palm, causing said boy to slap himself in face.

Steal enchanted belt with stones set around the center. Sell it for fruit.

Have everyone in the Varden dress like the Ra'zac.

Videotape time he was trapped upon cliff to give to America's Funniest Home Videos. End up winning a prize.

If he gets angry, sic the fangirls upon him.

Sell his clothing to rabid fangirls.

Paste his diary on the Internet.

Give signed copy to King Galbatorix.

Tell him that Arya is desperately in love with him

Give Saphira another paint job

While the dwarves are celebrating the Star Rose's completion, remind who broke the thing in the first place.

Put Scottish kilt on him-paste pictures on youtube

Join the Empire

Tell Nasuada that Eragon has nursed a crush on her

Ask him if he would like some "seafood" at dinner. When he responds, open your mouth wide (Full of chewed food) and say loudly, "See....

FOOD!"

Ask him if he would like a Hertz Donut. When he responds, sock him as hard as you can and ask him, "Hurts, don't it?"

Show him a Murtagh/Eragon fiction

Call him a common farm boy

Do a DNA test. Discover that Morzan really IS Eragon's father

Still be alive after all this.


End file.
